While premarital counseling addresses a lot of expectations that we enter marriage with, anyone who has been married for over a day knows that there is no end to the surprises of how our spouse sees things. There are so many things in life that we take for granted and don’t even realize there is another way of viewing them. Until we get married.
Personal finance is a typical area for this. Usually, we assume that the way we grew up is normal. The way our family did things and viewed things is how everyone does. But that’s simply not true.
There are a lot of areas where spouses can have different opinions without ever realizing it. Unfortunately, those differences usually wait to reveal themselves in the heat of the moment when emotions are high and a decision has to be made.
Save yourself some trouble and have these discussions now, while you still have time to ponder each others’ point of view and come to a mutual understanding. Remember, most of these topics don’t have a right or wrong answer, rather they are a matter of personal experience and values.
Have you and your spouse discussed:
Do You Tithe On Net Or Gross Income?
I’m putting this question out there first because I think it’s the easiest one. There are only two options and if you’re a pastor, I hope you’ve discussed this already.
But you can take it beyond net or gross income: Where should your tithe go? Does it go to the local church you attend or to any ministry you believe in? Is it required or optional? Do you feel led to give beyond the tithe? Where will that money go? How will you determine how much to give?
Will Your Kids Be Expected To Work While In School?
Kids should be kids and not have to worry about jobs or adult responsibilities. It’s important for kids to get a job and carry their weight. They need to build a work ethic. If I can afford what they need, why would they work when they should be focusing their time on their studies?
There are a lot of different opinions and views on kids working while in high school and college. The only opinion that really matters in your case is your spouse’s. Don’t worry about what your friends, parents, or even kids think. You and your spouse need to come to an agreement and everyone else can just live with the consequences.
You should actually start this discussion long before your kids are old enough to hold a real job. Will your kids be expected to do chores? At what age? Will they be paid for them? If they receive an allowance will it be tied to work being done or not? When your kids are old enough to drive, who will pay for the car, gas, and insurance? What about school or missions trips? What luxuries are you willing to provide for them and what are they responsible for?
Whose Responsibility Is It To Pay For College?
“Doesn’t your dad have to pay for college?” I still remember a friend’s innocent question when I said I’d be attending a community college for lack of funds. She didn’t understand the concept that some dads simply don’t have money to pay for college. Your view on this will have a lot to do with how you were raised and what your parents did for you.
Personally, I’d like to help but I’m not going into debt or sacrificing my retirement for my kids’ education. As they say, you can take out loans for college but not retirement. My kids are just as capable of working their way through school as I was.
But that’s just my own personal opinion and value. For you, it might be different and that’s okay. Just make sure you and your spouse agree. Will you help your kids pay for college? How much help are you willing to offer? Are you willing to take out loans or co-sign for them? Is your assistance unconditional or do you expect them to maintain a certain GPA or lifestyle? How many years or what level of degree are you willing to help with? What happens if one kid goes to college and another doesn’t?
Will You Quit Working At Age 65 For A Traditional Retirement?
While a complete cessation of work is still the common view of retirement, things are changing. Many people believe God created us to work and we should keep doing so as long as possible, even if only part-time. Others dream of “retiring” early in order to explore the world or a different career path. If your wife is planning on spending her golden years doting on grandchildren while you feel called to the mission field, it’s best to have that discussion now.
Are Your Retirement Savings For Your Consumption Or To Leave An Inheritance?
Proverbs 13:22 says, “A good person leaves an inheritance for their children’s children.” How important is that to you? How much “lifestyle” are you willing to sacrifice in order to have something left over for your heirs? Is it more important to travel and spend time with your family or leave them an inheritance?
As with most things, there isn’t a black-and-white one-or-the-other answer. There’s a spectrum that ranges from “I earned it and I’m going to spend every last cent” to “I’m going to live as cheaply as possible in order to leave a big inheritance.” Most people fall somewhere in the middle and you have to choose a place where both you and your spouse are comfortable to land.
How To Discuss These Topics
While you’ve probably already discussed some of these topics, chances are there are some that require a little bit more consideration. Maybe you discussed parenting before having kids, but now that you’re in the thick of it you realize that you had no idea what you were talking about before. Or, maybe your retirement dreams have changed over the decades and it’s time to reassess each others’ goals.
The two most important things to remember for these discussions is that there’s no one right answer and nothing has to be decided in one sitting. Start the dialogue and then pause it to give each other time to consider the other person’s views and pray about it. You might wait a week or even a month to pick up the topic again.
Make sure you understand the why behind your spouse’s opinions. If you’re having trouble agreeing on something, you may discover that your hearts are in the same place and it’s just the implementation that you disagree on. If you take the time to understand why your spouse feels the way they do then you will be more compassionate and better able to reach an acceptable compromise.
And remember not to take a difference of opinion personally. Just because your spouse doesn’t see something the way you do doesn’t mean they think you’re wrong, bad, ignorant, etc. Everyone sees the world through different eyes. Your spouse’s views likely have nothing to do with you.
Finally, pray. That may sound pretty basic, but don’t forget to pray about it. For all you know, God has a different opinion than both you and your spouse and he wants a say in the discussion!
How about you? What are other important financial topics that you think married couples need to discuss? What are your suggestions for having healthy and constructive conversations? Share with us in the comments!
